Part 3:

Confession #3……..

 

I came home on a Monday afternoon from Indian Wells, California after the meditation workshop and as the saying goes, I knew it was more painful to stay then it would be to leave. The butterfly had her wings and there was no way she could go back into her cocoon. She left all the old pain behind and didn’t need it anymore.

So, I sat in my bed, waiting for him to come home, knowing I was about to do one of the hardest things of my life. I heard him walk through the door and my heart stopped. I didn’t know if I could really do it and was so scared. As I listened to him walk around down stairs, shaking uncontrollably and wondering if I could really pull the strength out, a voice, clear as day, as though someone was speaking right into my ear, said, “if you only knew the life you get to have, you would be running out that door”. Wow. That was it. He came up, I grabbed my balls, and told him not to say a word. I was leaving. I didn’t know what that meant, I just had to go. I grabbed my unpacked bag from the workshop and nothing else, and left. I drove to my mom’s and never looked back.

A week later, I knew I had to quit the pain pills once and for all. I had a new perspective on life and myself, but also knew that was the last big break up. It was the final straw in putting Emily to rest. I put myself through opiate withdrawal and went through the hardest 48 hours, physically and mentally of my entire life. Worse then the 2 times I had to push a baby out of me. The withdrawal set in with a fiery passion the first night and I knew it was my body craving the old me; all the old feelings and addictions Emily had built her life on. It felt as though my entire body was filled with crawling bugs and there was no way to get them out except to wait. I tried mediating, breath exercises, watching movies, everything I could do to distract my mind but nothing worked. I cried a lot and felt defeated MANY times. I begged the universe to help me. At one point I remember thinking, it’s a good thing I don’t have a gun here. But the point is, I still loved it cause I knew it was me getting stronger and stronger and ridding my body of the last remnants of Emily for good. I knew that power I had connected with a week before was with me and that I was going through this misery for a reason. I would force myself to feel the pain even deeper to remind me of how I never wanted to go back to that. I had the suboxine in my purse and could have ended the misery and the pain at any moment. But this was my true path to freedom and I was doing it all on my own, and there was no way I was going to give up.

Seven days later I was finally feeling back to some what “normal”, although my body had been dependent on pain pills for over 10 years, so I forgot what normal even felt like. Others tried to tell me that it would take months to feel good and to watch out for this or that. But I didn’t allow myself to listen or buy in to any of it. I made up my mind and the belief that my body was free. And to really top it off, I quit smoking at that point. If I made it through THAT hell, this would be a breeze. And it really was!

Two weeks later I went to another advanced meditation workshop and the person that I wrote down on that sheet of paper back in June, the L letter, walked into my life. Not only was I free, but the universe sent me exactly what I asked for. And now I know, it was because I was free that he came. We had met in Indian Wells California, as he was at the same workshop as well, and spoke on the phone after that. I talked to him at 4 in the morning laying on the kitchen floor that first horrible night of withdrawals as I knew he had gone through his own demons and tragedies and could help me through this. He was the one that kept reminding me that it wasn’t physical, what I was going through. It was just me getting rid of the old Emily. I finally got 30 minutes of sleep that night laying on the kitchen floor with the phone to my ears. But it wasn’t until we saw each other again that we realized very quickly on that this was much bigger then us. That we had been through many lifetimes together and we had finally found each other in this one. To say he is the love of my life is such a disservice to it. It is much more then what I could have even imagined was possible in a partner for me. He is me, the real me, and I feel that every single day. Looking back now, I know it was because I finally fell in love with myself in California that he came, why, what I had longed for months before, finally showed up. He couldn’t come until then. Until I had shed the Emily that kept me hidden and unlovable.

Fast forward almost 7 months later to sitting in a castle and watching that man give an interview on his newly published book. Little did I know it would be the same man that I had read his story on Facebook just weeks before going to the workshop that saved my life in California. So to say unexpected!? HA! The universe definitely has a sense of humor. My life and me are, in every sense of the word, completely flipped upside up! I am not the same person I was a year ago. That person died that weekend in Indian Wells. And it was a rebirth. A caterpillar turned into a butterfly, finally flying free, out of her self made cocoon. She was hidden from the world for many years. But just like a caterpillar has to go through the process, so did she. I thank my now ex-husband and everything else in my life that got me to this point. If it weren’t for me going through that, I wouldn’t have gotten the freedom I feel today. I know my ex husband has a good heart and is a good person…..we just were a reflection of each other’s insecurities. He is a great dad and I am grateful for that. I don’t hold anger or regrets. I trust more in the unknown and live a very different life then most. My days are filled with love and joy and laughter. Don’t get me wrong, the challenges haven’t stopped….in fact they get bigger. But I come at them from a very different perspective and know it’s just a reflection of what’s going on inside of me. They are learning lessons now. I am not a victim of life, I am a creator of it. And I got to create and now share a business helping others on their journey with the person I love…and what more could you ask for!?

My story is a hard one for me to tell and to share. I kept it hidden for so many years, I formed the belief that that is what you are suppose to do so you don’t hurt others. But it’s in telling it that frees me just a little more. It also gives others the permission to do the same. To speak their own truth. All I want is to reach that one girl. Emily. The Emily that sat in a bed over a year ago crying and not knowing how to go on or if she could. I want to tell her that everything she feels inside is right. That she has the power inside of her to change it all and create the life of her dreams. And to let that light shine for the whole world to see, no matter who tells her she can’t. Yes, she may be scared, but its in letting go of the fear that your freedom comes. It’s right on the other side. So if this just reaches her and saves her, I will have done my job…..

6 thoughts on “Part 3:

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  1. Sweet one thank you for sharing the warrior you are; in the full strength of your vulnerability and truth. I see you my love. Your hard work, commitment to self love, and determination to shine is a beautiful thing. You have done something so incredibly brave, and continue to each day to step into this unknown new world you’ve created fro your heart. I too know what it’s like to sit in the dark, and what it takes to reach out and trust that there will be light for us. I salute you sister. This made me smile so much. The ripples we create as we heal are bigger than we know. All my love xxx

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    1. Nadia, no words. Your comments filled my heart….and my strength as it was getting tested. Being brave is VERY hard at times as you are carving a new path. One that many will tell you is wrong or can’t be done. But as we each grow stronger, so too does the community that wants to believe in something more then the old paradigm of how we should live our lives. Those are changing and dying and its women like YOU that are changing it! I am just a reflection of you and who you are. You are the second person since I started this journey that said to me, “I see you.” It touches something inside of me like no other words can……and it says more about you then it does me. You are special my love and a brave warrior yourself! Thank you from the bottom of my heart ๐Ÿ™‚

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  2. Sweet Em,
    Been following you ever since I saw and heard u speak to ur friend in that room where we got our heart monitors on in Indian Wells..
    I had a deep desire and longing to connect to u…u were in one way a reflection of me as a mother, a wife..maybe that explains the deep desire to connect..
    When I saw ur testimonial, followed by ur post about in the blog ..I was really really moved…
    Em I am so proud of u and even more now that I read ur posts…it’s courage to be willing to speak about ur hardest days .. your story is so empowering to me…and I am sure it will touch others as well…
    Like Dr Joe said what u r doing, u have no idea who it will impact…I’m one for nowโœ‹..
    I learned that u will be going to Cancun in June, I am going too…is it time for the universe to answer my desire of meeting and connecting with u??

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    1. Well you create your reality, my dear, so of course the universe is bringing it to you!!! I can’t wait to connect…..your words brought tears to my eyes! Thank you thank you thank you!!! Please message me through facebook…..I would love to connect before June! You are so right about having no idea about who it will impact. That’s what keeps me on this journey ๐Ÿ™‚

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  3. Emily, I just can’t tell you how happy and sad I feel right now. The happiness is because you have gotten to where you have always dreamed of and it sounds so peaceful. The sadness is how you had to go through some very tough decisions along the way all the while being careful as a mother. But with the end results you and your children will benefit together. You are such a much stronger person than you ever gave yourself credit for so yes, spread your wings and make your journey last a lifetime. I have always known you could get there and love you for this Emily. I knew it was there. Please write books because you have a lot to share and can help others along the way. I love you honey.

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    1. OMG Gayle I cried and cried when reading this from you. Not to mention that it came, of course, exactly when I needed to hear this kind of encouragement. It all means the most to me coming from you because you have been there from the beginning and were my second mom! Dont be sad for me….I’m not. I’m grateful all those hard things happened because it brought me here. I love you so very much….you and Sarah hold a very special place in my heart. I don’t even know what to say except THANK YOU and I’m so lucky to have had you get me through some tough years. So very grateful!!!!

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