Confession #6……

“And I’d choose you;

in a hundred lifetimes,

in a hundred worlds,

in any version of reality,

I’d find you and

I’d choose you.” -The Chaos of Stars

Do you believe fairy tales are real? Well, there really is no right or wrong answer to this question. The answer is, if you believe in them, then they are possible for you. If you don’t, then they aren’t.

I don’t necessarily know if I grew up thinking that I believed in fairy tales, but I ALWAYS believed in love. I was never waiting for my prince to arrive on a white horse, but I know I could always feel love very deeply. And I don’t mean in a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend way. I just mean to truly love another person. My biggest experience with this was with my grandma. She showed me what true unconditional love was. And took every chance to talk to me about it. I had never felt more loved in my life growing up. I could never do any wrong in her eyes, because I know she truly saw me; saw who and what I really am. She was my angel.

My first experience with the other kind of love was when I was only 12 years old. But I know it was my first encounter with the partner kind of love. I got a taste of what that feeling was and oh boy was it intoxicating! As love stories go, I got my heart broke, but it still wouldn’t shake me from wanting that feeling again.

My first marriage at the ripe old age of 19 felt as real as it could for a 19-year-old. But I knew deep down it was still missing something. I had one other relationship in between my first marriage and second, and it was probably the closest I had come to feeling like I had found my “soul mate” ….whatever that means. But timing wasn’t right, we were both still very young and it didn’t work out…. But of course, because it never was supposed to.

As you may have read from my earlier blog posts, my second marriage spanned 10 years…..with me always earning to feel that love from him. To match that feeling my first love gave me at 12 years old. Funny how the older we get, the more we settle for what may look like love but is more of obligation or security. Don’t get me wrong, I did love my husband as much as I was capable of and him me as much as he was capable of and we had some great times together. We went through A LOT of ups and downs and at the end of the day could be great partners. But I always knew it was missing that thing. That thing that makes you feel like no one else is in the room. That when he looks at you, you know you are the only thing that exists for him. That thing that makes you feel like you could die tomorrow and be ok because you got to experience one day with that man. THAT’S what I wanted so bad, but knew my husband was just not capable of it. So, I settled for what was safe and known, never imagining something greater would come.

Throughout the years, I was slowly building exactly what I wanted without even realizing it. I would see a couple kissing in public and would think, that would be nice. I would see them laughing together and yearn to have that connection. I would pass by two people that you could almost physically feel the love between them and knew that’s what I had to have. Not just passion, but completion. And every time I saw those things, or thought those things, I put a penny in the jar of love. Small little intentions going out to the universe without me even being aware of it. Those pennies would eventually overflow and welcome in everything I asked for.

About a year ago, when everything was coming to a head with my husband, I wrote down in my journal exactly what I wanted in love and what that would look like. More than money, more than anything else, I wanted to experience my own fairy tale. I had hoped for years that would come in the form of my husband, but it wasn’t until I let that expectation go that I could truly open myself up for it to come.

But even more importantly, it wasn’t until I could LOVE MYSELF that much that it could come. That I could be my own fairy tale prince charming. That I could fall so deeply in love with myself that I didn’t need any one else.

That moment came during a walking meditation in Indian Wells, California just months after I had written down what love would look like to me. There are no words to describe what happened to me, and until you experience it, there is no way for you to understand it. I fell so completely in love with myself, nothing else mattered. I knew I would always be ok and that I was so proud of me for fighting for me. I didn’t need anyone or anything to make me happy…..I was for once, just happy! I felt the freedom to be so completely me and not be ashamed of who I was. I let go of years of self-hatred, unworthiness, shame, and fear. I didn’t need to hold on to those things anymore because there wasn’t room for them. There was only room for love and I wanted to spread that love to everyone I could cause I felt it so deeply within. It is so easy for us to give love and appreciation and time and things to those around us, but so hard for us to give it to ourselves. The key to all of it? The timeless tale of you can’t truly accept love into your life and TRULY give it until you are giving it to yourself. Because all of those around you are just reflections of you, of what is going on inside of you. So again, you choose either fear or love.

I know, without a doubt, it is because of those moments in Indian Wells California that he finally came. The one who I had been waiting my whole life for. The complete reflection of the love I had found for myself and was ready to have it reflected back to me.

In just mere weeks after finding love in myself, it walked fully into my life. Every single thing I had written down showed up. But not even what I had written down, more. We knew very quickly that we had finally found each other. That we have spent many lifetimes before this one together and had found one another again in this one. It is a knowing that is deep inside your soul. It is unshakable and incomparable to anything I’ve ever known. It is the one thing I know in my life is supposed to be.

We said I love you very early on, but it never quite felt like enough. We still joke that all of those words, love, soul mate, boyfriend, husband, partner, passion, and whatever other 3D words fit in that category did not fit into our category. Those times that we have just laid staring at each other and crying because we can’t believe we finally found it, we don’t have to say words. Because they will never do that feeling justice. Words could only take away from it. It is beyond this 3D world. And some may wonder how it’s possible that quickly, but for us we had been waiting a whole lifetime. Time didn’t and doesn’t exist.

It hasn’t always been an easy road and we have had to fight to be together. Fight old feelings that tell us we aren’t worthy of it or that something like this doesn’t exist…..and of course those feelings come in the form of people most of the time. But the difference is we have each other to fight for the other. I can truthfully say, I have never felt someone love me as much as he does. He is my grandma’s love, but even more. It is not only unconditional, its unwavering. I have never felt so safe being with another person and safe to be just be myself. I don’t think many people get to experience something like this in their lifetimes. Because so many can never find that love and freedom inside themselves.

See, our relationship didn’t start based on fears or insecurities or emotional baggage we were carrying in. It was just raw and real love. But we had to take that first step into the unknown. We had to leave what was comfortable to find what we had been looking for all along. We had to trust that inner voice telling us to leave. We had to reach for ourselves, for our future, to allow someone else to reach for us.

So, do fairy tales exist? For me they do. But all I can really say is that I know with every ounce of my being that what you see outside of you is a complete reflection of what you feel inside of you. If you are looking for love “out there” you have to first find it “in there”. It was only when I let go of needing someone else to love me that the universe happily placed the other part of me in my lap. He is like my left leg or arm or ear. But a connection that runs so much deeper than any parts of my body. I feel it when he wakes me up holding me so tight it’s like we really are one entity. When he runs his hands over my skin. When he tells me he built me and could never want anything more in life…..and I know he really means it. When we laugh so hard we are both crying. When he knows I just told him something in my head, but he says it out loud. I feel it in every moment I am with him. And because I feel all of that, it is my passion to show others that it is possible, so they, too, can welcome it into their lives.

I wanted to share this work with my partner in life, and now, not only do I get to share it with him, we get to do it together. Through our coaching business we are seeing right in front of us the impact love can have inside someone and in their lives. But of course, it is because we see it in ourselves and share in it together, that that is what is reflected back to us in others. And that is my fairy tale to share with you……

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