Confession #10…..

Yesterday marked a year. A year ago, was the day I walked out on the old Emily and walked into Em. People may assume that only has to do with leaving a dysfunctional marriage, and quite literally detoxing myself, but actually it has everything to do with leaving a dysfunctional life. A dysfunctional life I started well before I met my ex-husband. It was years and years of building habits and beliefs that I was never good enough, I couldn’t control anything in my life, something was wrong with ME, I was different, I was stuck, the outside controlled my inside. My ex-husband and my life for 10 years with him was just a reflection of all those years of beliefs I had worked myself up to. He is a part of me and I am thankful to him to this very day for being the person that would walk me into this life, even though he may never look at it that way.

It was amazing to me to look back through my journal of almost 2 years ago when I first started writing in it. I had just found the work of Dr.Joe Dispenza and a whole world of quantum physics, spirituality, and the idea of our thoughts creating our reality. That I actually had some control of my life and that maybe something wasn’t wrong with me after all….maybe something was right with me. In reading back through the journal, it really did feel as though that was a completely different lifetime. I didn’t even recognize that person anymore.

After looking through all the lists of things I wanted for my life at that time and knowing what I know now and how much my life would change, I couldn’t help but feel so VERY grateful. I’ve realized in the last couple weeks that I have truly gotten everything I’ve asked for. I found the love I so desired not only in myself but in a partner. A partner I know we are meant to always find each other no matter what lifetime we are in. A partner I can’t even begin to say the words for how much I love him and how much he loves me and doesn’t let a day go by without reminding me of that. I found that love and happiness in myself. I found my confidence I believed I never had. I found that creative side of me that had lay dormant for so long. I found my imagination! I found my ability to create and manifest and just be in love with life. All things we come to this 3D world with but forget along the way.

It has definitely been a whirlwind of the last 2 years and while that seems like a very short time to be on a spiritual journey, it really feels like lifetimes to me. Like I have been doing this for a VERY long time. Yet still, I am constantly on that inward journey to learn more, to evolve more, to let go more. Some could say this kind of inward spiritual work has come to me more easily than others. I used to think that was a bad thing. That I needed to not be “so good” at things so I wouldn’t make any one else feel bad. In school I was always the one to get good grades without really trying. I had people, even friends, that didn’t like me because of that. I learned quickly on to not shine my light too bright so others around me don’t feel small and therefore don’t like me.

You see, the biggest lesson I’m being shown lately is the ego is a tricky bastard. It teaches us to hide our gifts instead of embracing them. It lends us to believe that who and what we are is not good enough….but then don’t be too good cause you will also end up alone and defeated. I had always wondered what my gift was that I was born with. What was I put here to do?? I think deep down I have always known but was too scared to ever admit it. To take the leap into “that kind of life”. A life of spirituality, of TRULY helping others not just on a surface level, but on a soul level. Of actually making a difference in this world. But as Jim Carey said it best, “We often make life decisions based out of fear disguised as practicality.” My whole life had been consumed with making decisions out of fear disguised as practicality. Until I no longer accepted that fear would rule me. That damn tricky ego would not continue to get the best of me!

Even in the last 6 months or so, my ego had me believing that I shouldn’t be helping people. That again, who was I to tell anything to anyone. That it was actually just my ego that wanted those things. See how tricky! But in the past few weeks, I finally really listened to that voice inside me (along with the help of 4 Lucia Light treatments….which will be on my next blog post!) and realized it was just my fear holding me back once again. I carry strength in what I have been through and hold a responsibility to other women to show them they really can live the life of their dreams and support them in doing so. And for them to not only hear my story, but the story of hundreds of people that have also decided to stop living in fear and dysfunction and take a leap towards the future they want and deserve. And not just once, but how they live that every single day. That’s not my ego….that’s my passion! And the crazy thing is, the more I have started to open that door and really embrace all of my gifts, the more things have fallen exactly into place for me. I know we all know what that gift inside ourselves is, but often continue to live by Jim Carey’s words.

As I have said many many times, I don’t believe in just putting words on a page or speaking glorious ideas to big groups of people. I believe in living EVERYTHING I say that is possible for other people. I practice what I preach every day. I hold myself accountable to the words I put on this screen. And I know that will be a never-ending journey….and thank God for that! This blog has helped me to stay present and conscious and continue to live the life I talk about through these posts. To hold myself responsible for living up to the fearlessness I so often talk about. So, in honor of that, I myself have taken more leaps into the unknown and will continue to do so in the next couple months. Taking leaps without knowing what the outcome may look like but trusting that inner voice. The same voice that walked me out of my old life of fear and into the new life of courage.

So, in just about a month, my boyfriend and I will hit the road for a Supernatural Tour. It will start in Austin Texas and end in Seattle Washington. The purpose of the tour is to share the stories of everyday people that have healed themselves and their lives through the belief of self-healing. People that have used meditation, workshops, and self-empowerment to truly free themselves. I want to shine a light on what we are all really capable of instead of living in a world full of fear where we put our power into everyone and everything outside of us. We will share these videos and interviews with the world, through our YouTube channel, of not only a one-time healing, but of living this life every day. Of the possibilities that show up for them once they started showing up for themselves. Our goal is to start a movement of self-empowerment. Of real connection. Of truly living love over fear.

I also just finished a women’s warrior coaching program I put together myself, modeled and created based off of my own experiences and the tools I used personally to create the life I have now. I have been extremely resistant to coaching….in fact I really don’t even like that word. But again, I realized there was a lot of fear underneath that. I had to finally shine a light in a dark place to see the ego for what it really was. And that was fear. I have had a passion to empower women for some time and I knew in my heart that’s what I am supposed to do. But calling people on their bullshit in order to really help them grow in a way they never have before is a tough thing to do…especially for me. I was always an “empath” (not fond of that word either!) and never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings. I still don’t. But I have now realized a lot of that was again, just my ego trying to keep me trapped in practicality. A story I would tell myself to continue to be a victim and not have to really take any risks. I do no one a service by allowing them to sit in their story and continue to be a victim. That is not what I want for myself and it should be what I expect of others. So in standing in my own power I can hold space for the women I help to do the same. (You can click on the women warrior tab in the menu for more info)

And finally, my boyfriend and me along with a couple of very amazing souls are also in the process of putting together retreats. Spiritual retreats but with all sorts of fun along the way. I have also always known I’m great at bringing people together….and what better way to do it then bringing them from all over the world to come together in dance, light, meditation, yoga, love, and LAUGHTER.

I say all these things not to boast, but to show everyone that may be reading this, that you really can have everything you ask for. Everything you want. But as one of my great teachers said, “once you get all the things you asked for, it’s no longer about any of those things….it’s about who you become in the process.” That has always stuck with me as I continue to evolve who I am and maintain a strong desire to always go deeper. To find all those blind spots within me that I still have yet to let go of. While I have come a long way from the person I was 10, 15, 20 year ago, I know I still have a long way to go and that’s where the joy for life comes from! I am now very comfortable in the unknown and crave it. Cause that means I am constantly creating and growing. We must always shine that light in those dark places. To ask for our blind spots to be shown. To challenge our fear and to not let the ego win. To me, this is how we save the world. Because the world exists inside of us.

I wish for not just every woman, but every person, to feel the joy I have felt. The love I have felt. The belly laughter’s almost daily. The connection, the grace, the energy, that have all come through me. The creativity and then seeing your creation unfold! It is my mission to show this to the world through myself and how I live my life. To create opportunities for others to find all of those things in themselves. To not allow all the placebos in their lives to take over their own empowerment.

And I couldn’t finish this post without saying how very grateful I am to the man that stands beside me on this journey. I can’t say enough how important it is to have support on this path, on your path. To have someone that doesn’t let you sit in your shit…but will also love you through it. Someone that will remind you of the light in yourself even when you can’t see it. He supports me in all my crazy ventures and in more ways than one! But most importantly, he supports me in being the person I am and seek to be. I created him, he created me, and together we have created this amazing life we get to live together.

So I ask you to not only join us in following the supernatural tour, but join me in taking a step today towards your own greatness. Towards not letting an old belief or program run you for just today. If I can change myself and my life this much in only 2 years, then anyone can. All you have to do is take the first step. I will end this post with a quote from an unknown author that fittingly showed up on my screen yesterday:

“Sometimes all you have to do is go for it. Take a breath and jump. Because here’s the thing, you can spend forever standing at the foot of the diving board, and you will always find a reason not to go in. It’s too high; it might hurt; you might swallow water. And all of those things are true, but you know what else is true? You’ll waste a perfectly good life standing on the edge when really the most beautiful thing you could do is go for it. Take the jump.”

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