Confession #11…..

“Know the War within Yourself Before waging war or Before going to battle in any War with another. Engaging in such battles is Sure Defeat, Painful, inflicting Harm and Wounds on others. In doing this, they too must deal with your personal war, making it part of their own. You never know the enemy you engage until you know the enemy within first. Find that source, and the battle is Won!” -TeeHee

So, originally, I had planned on writing this particular blog post in a much different tone and topic. But as it works, divine intervention stepped in, once again, and sent me in a different direction.

I will be the first to admit, there are times I get frustrated with people who “don’t get it”. That continue to want to keep their blind spots hidden. That continue to say they create their reality, but when the rubber meets the road, they fall back into victimization and old programs. They forget they have all the power inside themselves…..not in anything outside of them. Which is exactly what I had planned on writing about.

So it seems, I got reminded of how truly difficult it really is at times to take FULL responsibility for your life. That can be a big burden to bear. And while it is also so freeing and liberating, it can be a mental challenge. I for one experienced this to a huge degree just recently. There is a common theme of a situation that has presented itself in my life in different ways since I was a little girl. My old program is to want to blame. To be a victim. To want to scream and yell at the top of lungs while nobody seems to hear me. The difference now is I am completely aware it is a program. I know what is happening in my mind and in my body (my body always gets hit hard in these situations) and I can observe it. But….and this is a big but….it does not make it any easier in those moments when these programs try to sneak back up. In some ways it is worse because you are fighting against yourself. You can’t be the victim. You know what is happening, but your body is so use to being in control of your emotions, it is sometimes a moment to moment struggle. To continue to stay aware and try to gently let it move through you without getting attached to it.

I’m a strong-willed person. I put myself through complete opiate withdrawal on my own for God’s sake. I can usually let go of things fairly easily. Which is why I decided to write this post. As much pain mentally and physically as I experienced in the last couple days, I think about the people, whom I’ve had the pleasure to start interviewing, that were carrying a much bigger burden. And yet still had the strength and courage to not let the body win, to not let convention win. To listen to that inner voice deep inside even when everything around them was showing them not to.

I have started my pre Supernatural Tour with zoom interviews. They have all been with people I have met through doing the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza. And while his work has changed my life, I’m in no way saying that is the only way. Its finding something, anything, that empowers you. That allows you to take back the control in your own life instead of letting everyone and everything consume you.

I have had the honor of interviewing four people so far. I got to listen as they bared their souls to me and to the whole world. That alone is a feat in and of itself. I know personally how scary it can be to share your insides with the world, even when you know some, or a lot, of people will not accept it….or you. These people have blown my mind and inspired me on such a new level. I realized just how brave they really are. And all of those people out there that finally decided to take their life back into their own hands. Going against what many have been taught their whole lives.

From laying in a hospital bed, not being able to move one single part of their body and yet still knowing they put themselves there with their thoughts. To having a spine so broken and weak it can no longer hold up your body….and given really no hope for recovery. Because of course no one can rebuild bone right? Wrong. A woman given a cancer diagnosis that immediately refused any kind of chemo or radiation because she always had a feeling her healing would only come from working on her emotions and fixing herself within. Doesn’t sound like something they teach in medical school! And yet another that struggled with depression her whole life and most recently very severe….in fact, suicidal. But she had the fight to say I cannot choose that option until I choose to truly live first. To finally put myself first. Doesn’t sound like an anti-depressant remedy to me.

These people have every reason to be a victim. To feel sorry for themselves and have others do the same. To blame God or whomever for the situation that was surely put on them. It is so much easier to play small. Which is exactly why I call this tour, Supernatural. Because there are hundreds, thousands, more out there that have also decided to not be normal anymore. In fact, being “normal” is what got them there. As my teacher once said, it is normal to be a victim and to blame. It is most definitely Supernatural to decide to do otherwise. Instead of blaming something outside of them, they decided they actually had the power inside all along. And there is no shame in that. We don’t know what we don’t know! But it’s in finally choosing yourself, in listening to that inner voice we all have, that starts to unwind the fear little by little. Just in asking the question, what if, they are braver then most people I have known my whole life.

The only reason I can get frustrated at times, and tell people to do the things I tell them to do with such passion is because I’ve seen it over and over again in my own life. I know first-hand the struggle of going against convention, of going against many who you love at times. To decide to not be a normal part of society. To not buy into any of it. It honestly makes me sad at times to watch commercials (on the very few occasions I have to!) or drive by huge billboards and think about all the millions of people that are “asleep” and all that information just goes straight to the back of their brain without any filter. They are so stuck in programs they have lost all control in their life. It really is like robots sometimes!

But these people had their lives on the line and STILL chose a different way. When fear was all they were presented with, they choose something else. And not just in a moment. But moment after moment after moment for years, some of them. To say, I am 100% responsible for everything in my life, is more courageous then I think most even realize. And many of these people had never been exposed to things like meditation or quantum physics or living a spiritual life. I know I was one of them. But yet that nagging voice inside just kept whispering until we decided to listen. Until that whisper became a roar.

To light a match in a dark space. I have heard that many times from Dr.Joe. But I never really understood it to the depth I do now. To go within is a very scary thing to do. To really put a mirror in front of yourself and to be truly honest with all the good and bad. To go to those places that you have kept hidden so far inside you didn’t even know they were there. It’s like wondering into a pitch-black cave not knowing the way out and having no lifeline but yourself. Those are the dark and scary places we have nightmares about. There are no such things as monsters except for the ones we hide in ourselves. And to be brave enough to stand up to those monsters and say no more? And to battle once and for all, all of your demons. That sounds like a super hero to me. That sounds Supernatural to me.

This tour also represents not just going into that cave once, but continuing to go back in. And each time you get a little smarter and you bring a small flashlight to leave there. And every time you go in, it gets a little less scary. You know your way around a little more with each expedition. Some of the cave is now fully lit. But, that cave will never fully go away, and it will never be all the way lit up. It is an evolution, a lifetime. LifetimeS.

Yes, it is so very brave and courageous to stand against convention and choose yourself. It’s even braver to continue to make that choice every day. I was reminded of this first hand just two nights ago. I watched the love of my life talk to a young kid that just admitted he was bisexual and was terrified to tell his dad. In fact, he had made the decision to not ever tell him. He felt it would do more damage than good. To hide himself. To hide who he really is. And as I watched my partner empower this young kid, to give him the permission to be who he is in the face of anyone, I watched exactly why this kid is afraid. Three men sat at the end of the bar (yes, we were in a bar) just behind Scott and I watched and listened as they whispered to each other such hate filled judgements about the conversation Scott was having with this young man. Fear. And for the first time in my life I really stood up to fear. I’m not so sure I did it with complete love….there may have been the word assholes thrown out…..but I stopped their programs in their tracks. Surely, they weren’t use to a woman, let alone a 120 pound sweet lady, standing up to them. They mumbled something along the lines of they were just talking about the hockey game that was on, but they knew I knew exactly what they were talking about. Those 3 men are the reasons that young, sweet, kind, young man has to live in fear. And hopefully I took a little bit away in those moments. Hopefully I shook them awake just a little to disrupt their programs…..I know it did mine.

I was proud of myself in that moment. But I was even prouder of my partner, for speaking his truth and reaching out to help someone he just met to feel a little more love for himself. But mostly proud of this kid for being afraid to even utter the word, bisexual, but being open enough and brave enough to share with us. To not hide in those moments. And taking a small step into that cave.

People have called me brave for some of things I have done in the last year or year and a half. And maybe there is some of that there. But mostly I feel humbled. Humbled by the ones who have been and continue to be courageous. They aren’t movie stars or world renown scientist or New York best-selling authors. They are big strong men, and introverts, and care takers. They are you and me. They give me hope. They show me as hard as it may sometimes be going into that cave every day, the second you take a step out on the other side, into the light, it truly is a freedom and joy that I have never known in my life until now.

So be brave today. Stare fear in the face and choose love. Be courageous. Wake someone out of their program….or your own. You can live normal every other day. Today, be Supernatural……..

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