Confession #19……

Your Why + Your Will = Your Success

When I was in the thick of withdrawal from opiate pain pill addiction, there was one thing that kept going through my mind. YOU HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS.

If you have never been through any kind of withdrawal, I’m here to tell you, it’s literally hell on earth. I’ve pushed two children out of me, which is the most unbearable pain you can imagine….and it has nothing on withdrawal. Withdrawal is more than just physical pain. It’s a total and complete mind fuck.

You think you have problems controlling your thoughts now? Try battling those thoughts moment after moment after moment just to survive. Thoughts that include, you are going to feel this way your whole life, you will never get past this, you will be an addict your whole life, you are completely fucked up, there are literally bugs crawling inside your body right now, all you have to do is take one little piece to make this all stop, why don’t you just find a gun and put it to your head and then it can all go away.

But along with the mind fuck, the sensations in your body are indescribable. Your shaky, sick to your stomach, hot, cold, you can’t breathe, it feels like constant electrical pulses on top of all of your skin and a million bugs crawling on the inside of your skin. It feels like your body is going to explode and then implode and at times you wish it would.

I would try and distract myself with a movie, deep breathing, meditation. It was a joke. There was NOTHING that was going to get me out of this. I would try and feel the sensations deeper thinking that would make it go away. But I also did it as a reminder. To never forget what I was going through….and how it would feel to get to the other side.

For some reason I have always had the belief that if you can just make it through the night, things are always better in the morning. Well, I don’t know if I felt any better that next morning, but I made it through the night without putting a bullet through my brain. And more importantly, without taking any pills.

I remember texting my friend at one point the next day, getting close to my desperation point, telling her I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out, that I felt weaker by the second. I will never forget what she told me. Something I still tell myself to this day. She said, “You are wrong my dear….you are actually getting stronger with every second that passes.”

She was right. I was getting stronger by the moment. See, I had the pills in my purse the whole time. I could have ended the withdrawal at any time. But you want to know why I didn’t? Would I couldn’t? Because of my why and my will.

I talk about the withdrawal as an example of how those two things together can move mountains. Most people told me I wouldn’t be able to just cold turkey myself after a ten year addiction to pain pills. That the withdrawal would last for months and I would have all kinds of crazy side effects. That I should just slowly wean myself off to “be safe”.

But my why was bigger than that. And my will would get me there.

I knew that if I wanted to become the person I was supposed to be, the person I was put on this planet to be, there was no way she could be birthed with this part of her holding on. My vision for my life was big. And the shame of being an addict was no longer going to rule my life. I was going to get through it, whatever it took, so I could help millions of others that felt stuck, scared, and desperate. So that I could help show them the way out of all of those things. So that I could change the world. And that person was not addicted to pain pills. She was fearless and didn’t let anything stand in her way.

That was two years ago. I’ve not had a moment since then where I have felt the need to take a pill. The thing that still holds my feet to the fire to this day, is my why. I have always had a massive amount of will power. Some could say I’m stubborn, but I like to call myself driven J But the point is, you can have will power and that may get you to a certain point. But if you don’t have a why, you will never be truly fulfilled. You can work out every day, eat the healthiest foods, write hundreds of books, or get up at the same time every morning. But if you don’t have a why, none of those things will make a difference. True success is having your why, your own personal deeper purpose, and then the will power to make it happen.

I’m not saying in any way that this is what all people need to do to stop their addiction. In fact, I’ve asked myself so many times, how in the hell did I get through that? But I truly believe that thoughts are things and they are what create your experience on this earth. So my belief in myself and my bigger vision allowed me to do what many said I couldn’t.

I remember telling myself a few days after getting through the worst of it that if I could make it through that, I could make it through anything. That I would be absolutely fearless in my life and that I would never forget those moments. Well, while I still have fears that hold me back and things I am always working through, I pretty damn fearless in my pursuit to change the world. And what better why can you have than that…….

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